Greeted With Open Arms

A year ago today I was out very early in the morning in the garden deadheading my many buddleja, flowering Andean sage, nasturtium and hibiscus. It is the best time to do it as at other times the plants are always covered in fat bees and butterflies. I did not want to get stung and I have an ongoing conversation with the bees that they do not own the plants, I do!

By 10.30 I had showered and dressed carefully for my day ahead. The day was going to be a full one, firstly the dentist for an extraction of a very painful molar and later on in the afternoon a visit from a special friend. I easily caught the bus up to the dentist, had a lovely chat with the receptionist and was even able to give some requested advice to one of them about not having her scheduled surgery using gynaecological mesh. The dentist assistant was a lovely silver haired girl in her teens and the dentist was a fabulous female. Very gentle.

The extraction was difficult, involving curved roots that were immediately near the sinus cavity. I was warned if it perforated it would need surgical repair. However all was well and we all smiled with relief when it was over. I did have to be careful not to sneeze with my mouth shut for a few days though! As I bit down on some gauze I tentatively made my way over to the shopping centre to get some goodies for afternoon tea.

Then I walked home, not bad considering my Cervical Spinal Stenosis makes pressure on my neck …..difficult. Perhaps the dentist asking that the nurse hold my head made a difference. Once home I had a very milky cup of tea, an interesting taste through blood soaked gauze!

When I checked my messages my friend said his daughter was through sooner than he thought so they would be over early afternoon instead of late. I rang him and asked what time and he said they were in Belmont! And asked for directions! I replied I had no idea as I do not drive and isn’t that what Google Maps are for? In the background I could hear this delightful giggling coming from his daughter G and much chatter and fun going on between them.

So after I hung up I dashed to the bathroom and spat out the second gauze plug…no further bleeding so was very pleased. I whacked on some bright red lipstick and fluffed up my hair and made sure the bathroom was ready for guests. Luckily I always over prepare so the snacks were plated up. Fresh plump blueberries, Maltezers and some sort of biscuits, perhaps Tim Tams? And lots of Irish tea.

Almost as soon as I had poured milk into the jug of my lovely Maxwell and Williams afternoon tea setting I heard laughter, giggles and chatter. I made my way to the door, suddenly overcome with nerves. I need not have worried, I was greeted with open arms by J and introduced to his daughter, whom I hugged with less reserve. J chatting all the way inside and gladly accepting the offer of a cuppa.

This was a very special meeting, one delayed by many many years, almost a lifetime in fact. We had met by phone only when he helped me with my dad in 2014, which was the year mum passed away. Early the next year he retired and his kindness and his lovely voice was quite a loss to me, so after six months I contacted him and we became Facebook friends. This led to playing Words With Friends, maniacally at times, depending upon who had a free afternoon midweek. Matches often went on all afternoon. I liked to online chat as we played. He preferred to play then chat.

We lost touch late 2015 until late last year, it coincided with my getting off my walker and having correct diagnoses for several issues which had made me less mobile than I should be. I was full of joy at being in charge of my health again and looking forward to the possibilities life might have in store for me rather than a life limited by disability. It had made me rather reckless in my online communication with J and I felt quite overcome with embarrassment at some of the things I had got up to online.

I put my best Verger front on though and we had a lovely time, with me teasing him about his many accents. He speaks in many UK dialects! Chatting with G was wonderful, about fashion, her new job and her move down here recently to be near her family. I loved her freshness and innocence. We all three trooped out to see my infamous  buddlejas and the rest of the garden.

After a fun time involving me begging J not to make me laugh because of my extraction, accompanied by peels of laughter from G, it was sadly time for them to go. J hugged me goodbye, a protracted hug which I was mortified by as I did not have a bra on! G then answered a phone call and J came out of the car for more cuddles and said we would be talking online. To which I answered of course.

So I survived the first meeting, met my man of many voices, his gorgeous daughter, and survived my embarrassment. How good it is to be over 60. To have nothing to lose. To trust someone so deeply that anything is possible. Indeed to even meet someone where anything is possible is a rare thing. Over time since then we have committed ourselves to each other, in words and deeds. And to each other’s adult children and we love being involved in their lives.

 

 

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Timing Is Everything

In July 2015 I bought a small unassuming cabin with a nice sized garden. The place is Land Lease in that I pay for the use of the land and utilities. This is becoming a popular thing with Baby Boomers who need money for their retirement, or like me have little money after bitter silver divorces. The actual park has masses of huge trees and flowering shrubs which are home to an abundance of bird life. It is a short walk to the lake and near to shops and transport.

I was really excited to move in, apart from being heartbroken that I had to leave the family Burmese cat behind. Chanti and I were devoted to each other, as she was to the whole family. Except we had a special bond due to C and G going overseas and Chanti and I really bonding while being alone together. I truly believe she healed me of some of the dreadful pain I felt after my mother’s death in mid 2014. She is an old cat and never jumped onto anyone’s lap, however the day I was leaving she came running down the hallway and leapt onto my tummy and snuggled close. It was harder than leaving my son, because I knew he had wanted his own place since he was 18, and now he was finally getting it.

I ordered my lounge furniture to be made in teal chenille which would take up to three months, and settled in as well as I could with everything else that had been delivered. G drove the removal truck and with C they moved my boxes that had been in storage since April 2013. I had not brought a lot with me from Sydney, mostly my quilts and my art and quilting books, unfinished quilts and my two favourite tea sets of mixed china. Bedlinen, duvets, blankets, towels, cushions and throws needed to be bought up here as well as dinner sets etc. I was basically starting again, I wanted to leave the near thirty years with my ex totally behind me.

My son stayed in Wallsend, his fiancé in Sydney came up weekends and they visited on Saturdays at first to help me get settled. The garden was neat but not really to my taste so I tidied it while I worked out what I was going to do with it. I found it hard at first to adjust to being alone after living with families and my own family for over forty years but I adjusted and enjoyed the time alone to read and watch DVDs and Netflix etc.

However all of 2015 I had been in and out of hospital with bowel obstructions due to a Parastomal Hernia. Luckily one Saturday in late August my son and his fiancé were there when I had a really bad one. Due to nearly dying and needing months to recover physically and psychologically from the surgery I did not return to my home until November. The garden was in a shocking state and there were so many deliveries from eBay and various stores as I ordered most of my household goods online. Luckily the Park staff once they found out I had nearly died opened up for me so the deliveries could go straight inside.

Eventually I had the place absolutely as I wanted it, a spare room for my son or friends to stay in, which they did. My dad visited with a nurse regularly for tea, weekly in fact. Meanwhile my son had a dreadful experience with a home invasion in his place, people were badly injured who got in the way of the assailants. He came to stay with me until he got up the courage to go back but we were both concerned for his safety. Then he broke up with his fiancé early 2016, Chanti the Burmese went back to Sydney with G and eventually C gave into my nagging and the detectives suggestions that he move out of Public Housing and in with me.

Easter Monday 2016 he moved in with the delightful Robinson movers who service Lake Macquarie. The owner had not realised it was Easter Monday so his lovely wife helped him. They did such a great job, very friendly and professional. When they finished here they took his furniture which would not fit and his excess boxes etc and put them into a Storage Facility for him. C was pleased to be in my bedroom as he had a double bed he wanted to eventually have in there. I moved into the spare room which had recently had the floor replaced and wooden laminate put down after a nasty episode of water leakage all over the carpet under the window. I also pulled up all the lino in the kitchen and bathroom and found a layer of stagnant water there. Once it was cleaned out though the floor was sound and no mould was found. I managed with the horrid old adhesive lino as I knew water could not get under that and damage the walls.

We really enjoyed being back together again, though it was an adjustment for both of us we always get on well and work as a team. Around the same time I got stuck into the garden, holding the left side of my tummy firmly as I did so. I cut back really hard the Lily Pily and had my handyman Alan remove some horrid old Azaleas. There were several good plants that I also cut back and I planted a few Buddleja Davidiis. Removed a lot of horrid cobbling which was not working as a path as it was covered by the Lily Pily. A lovely dad and his two girls came and dug them up for me and removed them. For free! Then the long experiment with what would work as a ground cover started. The ground was shocking, I loaded the soil with Blood and Bone regularly. Tried white ground cover magnolias, mass planted. They died. Then white daisies, also mass planted, all but one died. The most success I had was with ground cover nasturtiums, with sugar cane mulch to germinate them.

So after much rearranging and selling of furniture C and I have blended our things to create a cozy though tiny home. Having our own home has made me feel rooted to the community, helped me destress when things with my dad and his care home became so very difficult. Shutting the door, getting a cup of tea and putting my feet up in our home, because it is very much my son’s and mine now, is so therapeutic. After two years of turmoil and the torture for so many years before that, this is my haven, my peaceful place and I love inviting special friends into it. One regret I have is that I broke off contact with someone after I nearly died, that I did not trust that he would want to be my friend through this. However we have reconnected now and are very close. He is the one of the many voices, and I love him so much and trust him. We are so very good together. Sometimes timing is everything, as we both know so well.

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Symbolism

My friend told me that this rare beautiful Swallowtail Butterfly is my mum. Coming by to tell me she is with happy with me.

I was not one to think such things but then I remembered the eagle, on the day and time of her cremation. Perhaps our loved ones can show us these little moments of pure joy. Or the universe or whatever one believes in. I believe in spirits of people, the soul. Anyone who has seen a loved ones lifeless body knows their spirit is gone. And their spirits cannot be held back by mortal bodies.

The blue butterly has been back a lot. I even managed to capture it on my iphone, nearly falling into my buddleja to do it! It was fun and a challenge.

It is pouring with rain here at the moment so no butterflies in sight, however rain is a great time for reflection, for cosiness, for looking at photos and reading. Snuggling down under the covers and watching dvds. It is what I intend to do. If you have someone to snuggle with all the better. But it has to be the right someone.

I am having issues with fending off a really sweet chap who lives near me. Honestly do not know what to say to him when he asks me out. It is only a matter of time.

I could try the platonic friends only thing, or the celibacy thing, but I actually would like someone to cuddle with, snuggle with on a day like this.

I have never been one to settle for anyone, there has to be a spark of something. And that spark can be painful for me. If I am attracted to anyone then I get Spontaneous Orgasms from my surgical scarring. I am seriously thinking that Celibacy might be the way to go. And that would mean no touching by others. This chap keeps stroking me. My arm. My shoulder. Lots of stroking and long gazes into the eyes. And I am a toucher. It is how I show affection. So I guess platonic friends could snuggle, if there is no spark it should be okay for me, no nasty pelvic spasms to embarrass me.

I could use my mum right now, in whatever form she should choose to take. I know I could tell her everything and she would understand.

Its not easy dating again after over thirty five years. I love Frankie And Grace on Netfix. I am not sure which one I am like. Neither I guess but it would be fabulous to be like them. But I guess they have the necessary parts. I mean how do I go about telling a chap I am not in full working order? That as well as that I have an ostomy and everything that goes with that.

Mum could not help with this actually as she did not know about the ostomy. Or the so called deformities. And defects. I protected her right up to the end.

Possibilities

I really think I can smell my white buddlejas from my bedroom window. It is possible I guess as I planted five of them either side of the cabin and they have a really potent fragrance. Reminiscent of honeysuckle mixed with magnolia.

One day I would like to have a bedroom which has a door that opens out onto a terrace or patio with massed buddlejas planted there. Pure heaven.

In my care home of the future, along with all the latest tech and gender neutral furnishings, I will likely get my wish. A door that opens into a garden or paved area where my buddlejas are in huge pots, underplanted with daffodils and other seasonal bulbs. I do hope it is a fair way off though, I have a brief window of time, at this stage of my life, though the possibilities are ever expanding.